< Apart From Love: Chapter 18 >

The Entertainer

I am startled to hear it, thrumming faintly inside, because for years I imagined the piano crouching there, in heavy slumber, with no one there to touch it, no one to awaken its sound. In awe I take off my shoes, and now I can feel the hum, not only in my ears—but in my entire body, reverberating full and deep. The notes are soft, hesitant; and the interval between one press of the key and another is too long, and a bit inconsistent, as of someone whose mind is drifting away—or else, a beginner.  

I have never seen a player sit by the instrument the way she does. Instead of sitting upright—like my mother—Anita is slouched. Her head is tilted to the left, close to the keys, as if she is longing to lay there, over the ivory surface, which is so cool, so calming. She lets her hair cascade, and flow down as it may, like a stream of molten lava, spreading over ice. For all I know, she lets her mind be carried away, far away in her dream, to a place way down, way beyond.

Her eyes are closed, as if she is in a trance. The right arm drifts to the far right, and the fingers, they stroke the keys right there, in that position, in a playful sequence, one that is distinctly familiar to my ears. Her fingers fly closer, and repeat it, an octave lower this time. And again, they fly even closer, an octave even lower—and with a gentle stroke, repeat the same sequence, now for the third time.

The sound is slow, to the point of being utterly sluggish. Even so, it brings back a good vibe. This is the intro, the opening for a piece of music I played a long time ago, in my very first concert, when I was seven years old: It was The Entertainer.

I think that somehow—without even knowing that I am standing there, looking at her—Anita can sense the draft, the rush of air from the open door. Her eyes flutter and at once, I can feel the beat of her heart, pounding there under the hum of the piano. I can see the sudden awakening, the scare, even; which is how I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she has never practiced in this place. To her, it must feel hostile. In spite of having taken some lessons—who knows where—she has never played the white piano. She cannot do it here, in my presence, or in the presence of my father. I suppose I know why.

With one step I close in on her, and hang over her shoulders; which brings a shudder over her. In an instant, Anita pulls her hand away from the keys, as if she has been caught—by a bad stroke of luck—in something worse than theft.

“Don’t,” I say. “Please, don’t stop.”

“No,” she denies. “I didn’t even start.”

“Please; let me hear you,” I plead, taking a step back, to give her some space.

Anita takes a deep breath. For the first time I realize how afraid she is, afraid of anyone listening to her music, especially my father. I would think he expects her to be perfect; which must be an impossible burden. I understand it, because I have been there: Growing up with a mother who had no tolerance for errors, and no forgiveness either, I have carried that burden before. Even so, I have no idea what to say, how to calm her down, and make it clear to Anita that I get it, I do.

To me, this is a moment of revelation: In a flash, I can imagine not only how she feels—but also, how my father looks at her; how he thinks of mom then, and something shifts in his mind, so that all of a sudden he sees in her that which, for a long time, he must have been yearning for: The forgotten woman, coming back to him—back from that place, a place called Sunrise—perhaps to forgive him, at long last. Let bygones be bygones.

In Anita, he may catch a glimpse of mom, reborn.

Mirrored in the open wing of the piano, her face is so young, so alive with the red glow of her hair. Her green eyes seem to shine back from the polished surface. This, I suppose, is why my father is so drawn to Anita. Apparently, he wants her to learn to play the piano, but then—even though she is just a beginner—he expects her to reach a level which no one can sustain. Not even mom.

In our family, forgiveness is something you pray for, you yearn to receive, but so seldom do you give it to others.

And so, Anita may never stumble, never make any mistakes, because he wants her to be exactly like mom, who in her good years—before losing her balance—could produce such a heavenly sound, and vary it over an incredible range, from a murmur to a powerful burst, until her music would swell in you, and bring tears to your eyes.

“Go away, Ben,” says Anita, without even turning around. “I don’t want to play; and you, you can’t make me. Hell,” she says sharply, “I’ll do as I please.”

She pauses, waiting for an answer; and when I hesitate to give it, she glances back at me, over her shoulder. “What,” she says, this time in a low, seductive voice, “you think I don’t feel the way you’re looking at me?”

I can find no words, and no way to come back at her. So before she can get up from the bench, I raise my right hand. Then I stroke the keys, using the same fingering, playing the same sequence I have heard her play, just a minute ago, with the same sort of dreamy sluggishness, so that the same phrase springs up from the deep, from the belly of the piano, and winds up trembling softly, quivering in the air; just like an echo, delayed.

I must have caught her at a weak moment, because now I detect a sparkle of tears. A shadow has just passed over her eyes, darkening them. Perhaps a memory of that moment—that ugly, embarrassing moment that happened between us, back there in her bedroom—has just crossed her mind.

I cringe every time I think about it: I found myself there, burning with desire. There was no way I could hope to arouse her—but oh, how miserably I failed! The demon in me struggled to break free, and I, in turn, strove to hold it back; but somehow, my efforts came to nothing; even worse than nothing, because now I have no doubt she must hate me.

Watching me raise my hand, Anita may think it is meant to subdue her, rather than simply to reach for the keys.

And she may wonder why I am parroting her phrases, mimicking her flowed way of playing, because after all, on my mother’s side I come from a long line of musicians, whose performance was legendary for being nothing less than perfect. Anita may believe I am doing it for no better reason than to mock her mistakes

She darts a glance at me as if to ask, What, you laughing at me?

No, I wish to say. What I want is... Well, I am not really sure: Perhaps, just to lay my head here, on your shoulder. Perhaps, to lean my brow against your lips. Perhaps, to touch the tiny freckles on your cheek. Above all else, I want—but cannot bring myself to tell you—I really want to hear you laugh.

Just like here, this note. Listen; can you hear it? This soft sound, rolling, rising, ringing up here?

Anita shakes her head, as if she could detect something else, something hiding under the dinging of the keys: Perhaps the whisper, the quiet whisper of my thoughts.

Her pose is so alluring when she bends down to the floor, in the shadow of the piano, to pick up some crumpled piece of paper. Then she starts twisting away under me. For all I know, she is aiming to get up, to leave me here, alone.

Is this a game she is playing with me? I do not have the faintest idea; but if it is, perhaps I can beat her in it. So then, bang! I pound the keys, this time fortissimo—with full strength!—as if to cry, Stop! No more darkness, no more gloom! There’s a thud, there’s a boom! Hear this, right here? Hear my voice? Tell me, Yes—you have no choice!

And before this phrase fades out, Anita straightens her back, and places her hand on the keys. Then, to my astonishment, she plays the next phrase of music, this time with raw, intense force, which I never knew existed, making it explode, bringing it to the verge of destruction, all around me. And I, in turn, explode with the following one, because how can I let her outdo me? I am, after all, The Entertainer...

Here I come! Here I drum! No more woes; let me close! Let me in, hold me tight! Don’t resist me, do not fight—

At this point Anita kicks the bench back, and I tip it over behind us. She sways her hips to the beat, and I tap the floor; and we find ourselves bouncing there, almost dancing in place, playing the piano side by side: She on the high notes, I—on the low.

Her intervals are somewhat uneven, her melody is off, here and there; but these things do not matter—not to me, anyway—because just like Anita, or even more than her, I happen to be out of control; maybe because it has been a long while since the last time I practiced.

I have not touched the keys for so many years, out of nothing else but rebellion, a silent rebellion against my mother. So my fingers feel a bit rusty—and yet I respond, quite swiftly, to the way Anita plays. I do it in an instant, harmonizing the sound, filling in some of the awkward intervals with a flurry of chords.

Sometimes I find myself having to take my hand away, so she can play the same key immediately after me. On some notes, my right hand crosses her left hand, in an exchange that is wild and fiery—like no duet I have ever listened to! One way or another it blends, it mixes into a sound, which you might call a crude, unruly, unrestrained racket; but to the ears of a madman, it can be called music.

If my mother could see me now... If, out of nowhere, she would appear—which would make me jump to attention—I can only imagine how she would draw back, how she would wince at having to listen to this thing, this terrific uproar; which for some reason, makes it all the more delightful to my ears.

My mother is elsewhere, and I must admit: At this moment I find myself thankful that she cannot be here—but then, listen! In her place, someone else knocks, quite loudly, on the open door.

And without waiting for an answer, our guest marches right in.

*

At the thump of her footsteps, my hand draws, abruptly, to a halt. Anita, too, stops playing, and she turns around, speechless for a moment. Meanwhile, the echoes of our cacophony can be heard throughout the small space. You can imagine them bouncing off the walls, flipping over backwards, coming down again—until, at long last, they land flat, barely stirring, down there on the floor.

“My, my,” says the old woman. “Am I late for something?”

“Aunt Hadassa!” I cry in surprise, and hurry to pull the cover over the keys.

If not for the rosy blush over her cheek, Anita appears to be cool and collected; much more so than me. The smile on her face is irresistible, and there is no way for me to tell if she is friendly, or just pretending to be so. “Oh, come right in!” she says. “You’re just in time!”

At this point I cannot help but ask, “In time for what?”

My question hangs there, unheeded. Anita leaps over the fallen bench and into the hall, where she glances at the old alarm clock. “Gimme just a minute,” she tells aunt Hadassa. “Lemme get my shoes on—”

“What—what is this?” I ask. “What’s the sudden rush? Where—”

“Hello, Ben,” says my aunt.

She pushes her glasses up her long, bulbous nose. The yellowing lenses are quite thick; they look like a pair of magnifying glasses, through which round, enormous eyes are looking at me, inspecting me carefully up and down. At last she concludes, “How you have changed!”

“Indeed I have,” I must admit. “I am ten years older.”

“Are you?” she asks. “And was it you just now, playing like a lunatic?”

I shrug, and my aunt goes on to say, “Why, you used to play better at the age of five! In those days, you were under a good influence, which is something I cannot say about present company.”

“Sorry, aunt Hadassa,” I mumble. “I am too rusty; I can no longer to be The Entertainer.”

“You sure it was you—not her?” she whispers, hinting at Anita. “To judge by the level of that noise, I was sure a stray cat must have slipped in, pussyfooting around, scratching its nails back and forth and all the way across, before starting to chew the furniture, or something.”

So I lower my voice, imitating hers. “Who knows?” I say, as if in strict confidence. “You may be right. The door was open.”

For a minute, aunt Hadassa frowns. “Next time, dear, be sure to bolt it shut,” she says finally. “You do not want to deal with strange creatures, making their way in.”

And looking straight at her I say, “Most definitely, I do not.”

My aunt checks her watch, and rocks herself impatiently to and fro. Then she takes a step closer to me; and at once I step back, thinking that in a second, she would spring forth and pinch my cheek, the way she used to do in the old days, when I was a child—but as luck would have it, I have grown too tall for her reach; or else, she has shrunk a little. “My, my, how time flies!” she complains.

I have no idea if she is talking about the years that have passed—or the seconds ticking away, which you can hear from the direction of the alarm clock.

Then, with a deep sigh, aunt Hadassa turns away from me, brushing a gnarled finger across the cover of the keys, to check for dust. And when her finger comes out clean, she seems deeply disappointed.

“Anita!” she calls, checking her watch again. “The appointment is in half an hour!” And with acid sweetness, she asks, “Are you ready, dear?”

To which Anita answers, “Sure! Lets go!”

My aunt purses her lips with a firm pout; and before I can cut in, or ask anything, she plods heavily out the door. Her shoes are what you would call sensible; the wedge-like soles give a hard clonk and clunk, left and right, against the floor.

Meanwhile, Anita wraps herself with her winter coat, and buckles a pink belt around it. She gives me an alluring look, then scurries to get out, turning back only once, to close the door behind both of them. Now you can hear the light touch of her footfalls, following at the heels of the old woman. They are going down one flight of stairs, then another.

I draw closer to the door. And the minute I crack it open, I hear Anita’s voice far below, saying something like, “Oh—I forgot!” and the old woman groaning, and again Anita’s voice, saying, “Lemme go back, like, just a sec; wait for me.”

And there she is, running back up, skipping two stairs at a time. Now she stops at the landing just below, and raises her face to me.

So I ask, “You forgot something?”

“Yes,” she nods, holding her belly, trying to catch her breath.

“What, shall I throw it down to you?”   

“No.”

“What is it, then?”

“Oh, Ben. I forgot,” she takes a deep breath, “I forgot to tell you something.”

I wait. I take a step out, across the doorsill. I stand there, close to the railing. From here I can spot a change in her eyes. The shade of mystery has vanished and now, they are so bright, gleaming in green; and there is a childlike joy in them.  

“It was a blast,” says Anita; and her voice is so relaxed, on the verge of laughter. “I mean, that thing we did! I swear, I didn’t dream it could be so much fun!”

Then, what she says next takes me by surprise. “Ben,” she wonders aloud, “what was it? Was that music?”

I cannot tell her that it is, because in truth, I doubt it myself. So I shake my head, “No,” wishing I could dare say, That was something else: Something intense—but not as complicated as I would have thought, earlier. Perhaps, it was simply a clash; the clash of wills between us—or else, you could call it Love.

The instant this word crosses my mind, a look passes between us; and I am being held there in place, as if by a spell. I am ready. Oh, let her not remove her gaze. Let it go deep; let it pierce me and stay there, because it is the sword that holds the wound from bleeding.

Let her search my heart, because what can she find there, but the cry, Come! Come to me, Anita! I am yours. If you refuse me—if you turn your eyes away—I fear that at this point, I shall fall. You have the power to bring me down—or else, you can make me fly.

The stairs have dropped from view; the railing is but a fuzzy, peripheral impression. I pay little attention to her arms, her legs, her body; only her eyes are in full focus. In them I can see a bright flash—perhaps the flash of insight—over the darkness of the pupil, and flecks of golden light, sprinkled in a fine, intricate pattern all around the iris.

I cannot begin to guess how long we have been standing there, how much time has elapsed. Perhaps it has been as short as a second—or else, as long as forever; after which she lowers her eyes, and starts turning away from me.

“I see,” she says at last. “That was your piece. You think this is a wisecrack. You think you are The Entertainer.”

She goes down a step, and for a minute, does not stir. Perhaps she is waiting, giving me an opportunity to speak, which for some reason, I just miss. Then she sways her hips, a bit seductively I think; and all I can do is listen to her footfalls, slowly descending the flight of stairs.

By now I can barely hear her; but I think Anita is whispering, perhaps only to herself, “Why, why can’t you say nothing? Say any word—but that one, because you don’t really mean it; nobody does. Say anything, apart from Love.” 

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